I cannae' shake 'em cap'ain!

“You’re not really a huggy type of person are you?”

I get this a lot. No, I’m not. I didn’t used to have to be – this is my point. I don’t know how all this has crept in and I am NOT happy with it. There are a very select few people I would (and do) hug. My wife can have a hug whenever she requests it and the poor thing has to put up with quite a few she doesn’t want from me as well. I would hug my mum and my Dad also but I know he would decline. I would hug my bromance and song-writing partner John and I would hug my university chums but only if I hadn’t seen them for ages (which is usually the case actually). I am also pleased to say that if I asked any of these people would hug me if I asked for it – but these days I only ask my wife.

But what is this thing now where it is necessary to shake hands with male friends and hug and kiss female friends you only saw a few weeks ago? About ten years ago I guess this kind of idiocy was reserved for night club lads peacocking, but alas, it seems to have permeated my social circles now.

I am NOT a”huggy person” because I never used to have to be, so why should I start? To make my friends happy? Nah, I think they are happy enough mocking me for not being “huggy” and smooching me anyway, for their own gratification and amusement. Don’t go thinking because I don’t really want to hug you that it means I don’t like you. Trust me, if I didn’t like you, I wouldn’t be choosing to meet with you, would I?

Ironically, yes, I would shake hands with people I haven’t met before, because that, as far as I can tell, is the done thing. So long as our meeting is planned, that is. I wouldn’t go proffering handshakes and hugs to random strangers.

Time for Change

Several of my friends have made derogatory comments about how I handle money on a day to day basis. I don’t mean as in banks and bills etc, I mean in terms of how I literally handle cash i.e. how I carry money. You see, I wear jeans at weekends. Jeans have pockets and they are not that big and not that deep. When I sit down, if it weren’t for my genius idea of carrying all my small change around in one of those transparent money bags you put 2p coins in, any coins I had would spill out everywhere. By carrying them all in a tatty see-through money bag, I can instantly pull all the change I have out of my pocket in one movement and I can instantly see which coins I have and therefore which amounts I can make.

Friends of mine recently bought me what they called a “man purse”. I am grateful for the thought, but they have missed the point – a “man purse” takes up too much space.

Now John (my esteemed yet goonsome song-writing partner from [a] Naked Season) is just the kind of person who would take (and probably has taken) the mickey out of my money habits. The photograph labelled Exhibit A is his wallet. I asked him how he fit it in his pocket and he admitted it did dig into his backside when he drove places. Look at it! Look at that section on the top. John was carrying £18+ in change in that stupid zip section – and a considerable amount of the weight was made up of coppers and 5p coins – see Exhibit B. Who carries change like that? Who doesn’t just put it in a pot?! John, that’s who.

Exhibit C shows my wallet and transparent money bag alongside John’s gargantuan monstrosity. On the left we have a thin wallet you barely feel in your pocket accompanied by a compact, cheap and efficient way of transporting coins. You can’t see in the picture, but I can assure you there are no coppers or 5p coins in that money bag. On the right you see what might as well be a handbag for a man’s back jeans pocket. The piles of change are what I found in the zipped section whilst we were mixing in the studio today.

Which of us has the better financial solution? My money is on me.