Curse that cursor

Does anyone else out there suffer from cursors randomly relocating when you are typing on a laptop? I’m talking about the thing where you’re typing a sentence and then you realise you’re crow-barring it in the middle of your previous paragraph.

Imagine if your actual hand did that when you were hand-writing something like an essay. Imagine you’ve written four sides in your neatest and most fluent prose and then you find a) yourself with an unfinished sentence and b) you have written over stuff you’ve already written. I assume it would be in “over-write” mode, seeing as I’m not sure the work you had already written would shuffle agreeably along to accommodate your misplaced drivel like it would if you were in “insert” mode on a laptop. I would like to see that though.

I’d going to try to not sure it will work.end on an example for comic effect, but I am

The Art of Being Subjective

These half-baked thoughts have been prompted by a recent episode of Junior Apprentice, where the candidates had to choose artists and sell their work to art lovers. The candidates went out and met some artists. Some artists had (say) metre square canvasses that they were asking £80 for (say) and some other artists were charging £2500 (say) for something the same size. I have done a very lazy internet search and have found out that most of the factors (the medium used, size of canvass, where the work is being sold etc) that govern the prices an artist can charge are “subjective”. I guess I have to simply accept this – but my question is not really about “art”.

If I am not mistaken, “art” is a sub-set of “The Arts”, right? Well, music is another sub-set. In music, the “artist” gets paid based on how many copies of a song get sold and how many times it gets played on the radio. There seems to be a whole lot less about recording music that seems to be subjective.

As a result of my confusion about the value of art, I have decided I am going to attribute each of my songs a subjective street value.

My 1997 composition “Substitute Real Life” has a pleasing set of chords in its verse but lacks a chorus. Its lyrics are good, but dated, since they refer specifically to the nineties, so I therefore value it at, say, £10. “Rebecca” is a catchy pop gem that was played on Radio 1 “back in the day” so I think I’ll pluck...ooh, let’s think...um...£500 for that one. “Fish Boy”, originally composed in 1992, has had almost 1000 hits on YouTube so this must be worth £8000. Oh – wait – hang on...but...too many people have heard it now, so it has lost its exclusivity and therefore it is surely only worth £0.03 now, right?

Since only three people in the world have heard them, surely the entire twelve songs on our 2011 album “Keep Going On” are currently valued (at least) in the tens of thousands each, right?! Even better, the songs I am going to write in 2012 are currently “priceless”. So, if anyone out there wants to buy the stuff I haven’t written yet, they are welcome, but I only need to hear from an Oil Sheik or Bill Gates. Actually I’d quite like to hear my 2012 songs. I think I’ll start saving.

On a more serious note, I should add that you can buy any of our “released” songs. So far they come in collections that we call “albums” that we sell for a massive loss at about £2-5 per unit. And when I say we sell them, I should point out we sell hardly any because we are not massively popular. And yet that hugely popular picture of the fit tennis player scratching her backside that used to be in those Athena shops probably has a street value of £1.99. Oh, wait, maybe that doesn’t qualify as art.

Is blogging an art? I hope so. Wouldn’t it be cool if I lived in a world where you would owe me money if you had read this? Taking that to its extreme, don’t all of my students owe me money? I have (subjectively) been entertaining my students in my classes for eleven years now with ill-considered rants such as this, and I have gotten a few laughs...so...seeing as I am infinitely more exclusive than Michael Macintyre or Peter Kay, does this not mean that literally anything I say or write must be...um...invaluable?

Maybe this is why the word “invaluable”, a word apparently used to suggest that an object is so valuable it is not possible to apply a value to it, has always confused and bemused me so. Like “inflammable” actually means “it is possible that you can set this alight” but it reads as “it is not possible to set this alight”, I think the word “invaluable” might actually mean “this item has no value” after all, in which case I think I’ve just explained everything to myself – and that, ladies and gentlemen (and here comes the call-back) – is invaluable.

Not everybody needs good Neighbours...

We only watch one soap opera: Neighbours. We have an Australian friend (as well as many English ones) who mock(s) us for this. Indeed, fairly recently, she told us she was having to explain to some friends of hers about us watching it – and justified it by saying that we were English. Her friends, for the record, accepted this as a full and complete explanation.

On behalf of all those 63.5 million people who are English and do not watch Neighbours because it is rubbish, I should like to go on record and state that a) we know only about 1.5 million people watch it even in the UK and b) we know exactly how poor it is.

What people are failing to understand is that we watch Neighbours not because we are British but because we know it is apalling. It is mind-sapping nonsense. I don’t think a day goes by when we don’t either shout at the television, slap ourselves in our foreheads or rewind to see some of the incredibly poor acting by the extras who aren't allowed to speak (and of course the main cast members also). It is perfect television for when we are cooking and/or marking stuff. It is the first thing we watch at about 7pm every week night.

To well and truly rest my case, here is the information that our Sky Plus box had tagged today’s episode with:

“Libby is furious when someone takes her parking space.”

That, ladies and gentlemen, is just the right level of drama I want to see in the “lives” of my fictional soapy friends.

Sweet Trooth

Person on till: “That’s a lot of sweets! Kids party?”

Sensible response (aka a simple lie): “Haha! Yes!”

Approximate actual response: “Sorry? Um...well...um...we’ve got friends coming...the M&Ms are for me but...they’re on offer...so...and...they’ll last a couple of weeks ha ha!”

Honest response: “No, I’ve had a tough day, I don’t appear to be having any success when I do try to diet so I’m indulging myself in a large amount of sugary food products which I will go home and eat until I am physically sick and also sick of myself, because cakes and biscuits and sweets are my drugs of choice. And yes I am thirty-eight and yes those are three packets of Eric the Elephant sweets I am purchasing for £1 sat next to the £1.75 bag of M&Ms, the cheap biscuits and the bag of fresh cookies. This will be my evening meal and will ease the pain of the marking I will manage to get done before my Codydramol sets in and puts me to sleep in front of Come Dine With Me. Do not judge me. And you sir, the person behind me, with your conveyer belt full of fruit and cauliflower...might I suggest you live a little? You could be dead tomorrow. Have a CAKE! And, yes, I do see the irony, in that I will most likely die way before you when my organs finally keel over due to the lack of respect I have shown them throughout my thirties.”

You Shouldn't Be Watching...

Do you know who Charlie Brooker is yet? He is a genius but also a nasty, insidious man who slags everything off and gets paid for it. I find him despicable, but only because he is getting paid for what I should be doing. Almost everything the man says is (admittedly scripted) genius and he and I seem to have exactly the same vehement opinions on television so far (with Glee being the one exception).


If you don’t know – and you should – how his latest vehicle “You Have Been Watching” works, then let me be succinct: Charlie shows cleverly edited clips of appalling television shows and guest comedy panellists join in the slating whilst paying little more than lip service to a supposed quiz format. It’s not a great show but it is fun some of the time.

Tonight, though, we discovered that you can go to the Channel’s web site to find out when the television programmes are on that will be under scrutiny in the nest episode. Alarmingly, this concept appealed hugely to us. Then we got on to spotting the irony and laughed heartily at ourselves. We are now going to become part of the problem. The programme whose purpose is to slate off the worst television is encouraging us to watch full episodes of the poor programming so that we might have a more in-depth understanding of just how bad these programmes are. Ratings for bad television goes up...the need for “You Have Been Watching grows”...We become part of Charlie Brooker’s evil game-plan and part of the problem, not the solution.

Staying In = Staying In Touch?

I hereby declare the outside world largely irrelevant this half term holiday. I am totally enjoying my third consecutive day of watching movies, playing video games, occasional napping, song-writing and catching up on my favourite podcasts. I am currently listening to Richard Herring’s final episode of his first series of “As It Occurs To Me (AIOTM!)” and every spin of the roulette wheel is making me chuckle. This afternoon I’ll check in on a few episodes of “Answer Me This”.

As I alluded to in my last “blog”, I accept that different people like different things, but there are a few people in my life who make me feel like I am being judged (because I am) for enjoying the act of not going out. I am not depressed – I know this because my G.P. says I am not (ooh now there’s a future blog right there though!) and neither am I agoraphobic. In life, there are choices and often I choose to remain at home – because it is where my entertainment is! Plus – it is relaxing – and that is what I need to be doing a lot of (according to my G.P!). And...gasp...it’s cheaper!!!

On my occasional forays into London, I obviously see a lot of people on trains with iPods and I actually start wondering if I might actually prefer to have a long commute these days. I would use every feature my iPod could squeeze out. I don’t have an iPhone – mine is one of those that can play videos though, which is pretty awesome. With a huge commute I would be able to listen to some choice tracks to either suit or adjust my mood. I could watch critically acclaimed series I missed. I could keep up with all the comedy podcasts I wish I had time for. Apart from the back-pain I suffer from, I have even become calmer when sitting in traffic thanks to my iPod.

I am only sorry I can’t listen to a podcast and music at the same time.
But when I am at home, I can do things at the same time. I am catching up with Richard Herring’s podcast right now, as I said. When I’ve finished, I’ll probably have a quick blast on Xbox Live. This afternoon I have a film to finish and I’ll have a chat window open to my Australian chum too, I suspect. This week, I really am Hugh Grant’s character from About A Boy, with my time divided up into units of 30 minutes.

When I collect my wife from work, we will continue our battle to keep watching the television stuff we have chosen to record on our hard drive. We only watch stuff we like. The days of channel hopping to find the least bad viewing are over (I used to call it "channel hoping" - see what I did there?)...The only adverts I have to see are the little tiny bits they cleverly put in shows to catch you out when you’re winding forwards – but I like the competition I have every day with the advertisers...so even that passes for entertainment.

Now don’t get me wrong. I go out with friends most Thursday nights and I do go on holidays for some input. I have tickets for a few live bands coming up and I love going to see a bit of stand-up. I even go on occasional walks where I know things won’t cost me anything.

I suppose if there was a point to this blog up to this point, it might be that the likes of me have no right to be bored in this day and age. But now I’m going to unpick my rant somewhat...You know how listening to your iPod everywhere you go is just superb? Has your battery charge depleted recently when you’ve been out? Have you walked along your normal route listening to the noises of other people getting on with their lives? These are entertaining noises as well.

I have finished off this blog whilst sitting out in my garden, by the way...so have a look at the photograph...and the next time you catch me complaining how hard I have to work to afford what I have got, remind me please.